vendredi, septembre 17, 2004

and i close my eyes. no stimulating bright lights to be seen. all of my senses are projected to only the push-over keys, just waiting for me to punch them and knock them down. i use them and i use them hard, harrassing the page with words and thoughts that i want to convey so well. this is writing. i'm wringing myself out for the good stuff.
i'm too tired to do that

"HEEERRRE comes Me!" campbell notifies me, pouncing off the wood table to the 5 pillows stacked like pancakes on my lap, and he is forced up into a slight hovering state (due to his size) and then plops down in to the syrup-colored couch right next to me, somewhat disarranged, legs over shoulders. over. and. over.
it's amazing how good-looking he's going to be. his face is perfectly aligned. he's 6.
i love 6 year olds. i begged his dad to let me babysit his kids. i always played with them at the pool. i love them, they are "just right".
oxford is going to be weird.

lundi, avril 26, 2004

i used to be really close to my cousin. really close. i wont explain all the details of why, because it was purely situational. we were very close. god i loved her. really, i did a lot of things that are hers. ironic because i hate when people do what i do. it makes me think. my biggest pet peeve is when people "take over" my music when i dont give it to them, or when people suffocate me and absolutely do everything that i do. i did everything she did. i wonder if that bugged her too.

lundi, avril 12, 2004

silence. softness. sleep. gentle sleep. unstartled dreams. unmoved closed eyelids. somehow opened gradually. back to sleep. sleeping in intervals of waking up and looking at my calm light blue-almost-white ceiling. light reflecting off of it. strech my arms, roll over. hug my bear and bunny. sleep more. half-awake now, kinda dosing off. obviously early morning. step dad at the foot of the stairs "mallory open your door, open your door for a second"
"ughhhh whyyy!!" was my reply
yet again the passively pushy "open your door"
slummed over to the door, unlocked it turned the nob. halfway open, 3/4 open, all the way op---"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" tons and tons and tons and tons of people running and screaming at me, bombarding my quiet solitude of my sleeping chamber.
"AHHHHHH" i didnt know what else to do but scream back, i mean come on they were screaming at me. it was my only defense. i am loud!
shock. complete shock. why was this happening to me? my room was such a mess, people were in my room.
i look up, try to think reasonably. only two people. that's a relief. girls. that's better because i'm just wearing a tshirt and boxers. holding presents. that's even better. telling me they were going to kidnap me. well that's just a little bit scary. they're kidnapping me for a sweet 16 breakfast. well okay that's fine with me.
they were my friends! i now welcomed the intrusion. so i stumble around looking for pants, sweatshirt, anything. they're laughing. my parents are downstairs laughing. and i laugh too.

dimanche, avril 11, 2004

so it's over. the sixteen milestone. feels pretty old. (for lack of poetic description). parents were good to me. good lord, everyone was good to me. easter birthday. the kind of thing i've always wanted. always loved those coincidences. just thinking about me as a child, i know i would have loved it even more, going to st. andrew's church on easter and telling everyone it's my birthday. i would be special. i miss who i was. i miss me. i'm crying. i hate years so much. and now i have 16 of them! and they dont stop. i miss the attention. i miss the playfulness, and being able to be playful. i miss the youth and the tons and tons and gobs and gobs of years ahead of me that i never worried about, just wanted to be older. makeup. i remember how important that was to me. geez. ross. i remember our games and climbing trees and reading books together. racing bikes. playing war. racing in our toy jeeps. playing school. climbing on the old waggoneer. playing with cats. it's all gone. all of it. ross is such a twirp to me now and i cant do anything about it. oh God, bring it all back. bring back the classic moments and put them into now.
went to a movie with my dad. pure fun. didnt think sentimentally at all the entire time. now i am. i have such a good time with him. tons of "i love yous" with my mom. tons of her calling to check up on me. hugs. good jokes with my stepdad. good greetings and conversation with my grandfather. ross picked out a cute running outfit for my birthday. not so twirpish, i know. my uncle that never gives me gifts on my birthday slipped me a 20 at church today. my grandmother told me merry christmas. but i know what she meant. my other grandmother told me how smart i was and said that i was relaly going to be something.

so many positives.
why negativity?

it's just bittersweetness. that's all. it always has been. looking back on anything always is so bittersweet.
gosh. it hurts so bad. so bad. this will pass too.

those sleeping hearts will never understand
you can't hear the song until you dance -ben lee

samedi, avril 03, 2004

nothing can bite into self-esteem more than a day of clothes shopping. especially trying on. especially for SPRING clothes. especially the things that i dont try on in the store, but think they are going to fit, so by laziness i dont take the time to try things on, but try them on at home. DISAPPOINTMENT. hate this. i'm not eating anything but fruit and water tomorrow. i ahve a ritsy step-family dinner party tomorrow. shoot me now and give me lipo.i cant believe i'm typing this.
how shallow can i be? really. just run. just excercise. just eat CORRECTLY. i'm going to be a lifeguard this summer, i HAVE to eat correctly. one peice. HAVE to eat correctly. agh. gaush.
just to hear the rhythm of copperline. just to feel james taylor's voice attach itself to my skin so lightly as to make my skin rise into goosebumps. just to know the comfort of the lyrics. sooth me now. sooth me.surround me. God, please, oh God, surround me now.

Cast me gentlyInto morningFor the night has been unkind-sarah mclachlan

vendredi, avril 02, 2004

when i hear Honey and the Moon i am in love with everything. the way people talk to me. the respect in people's voices and words. the beauty. i feel so whole. although there are so many lies. so many imperfections. i love you, world. i love you, sky. i love life so much. even though i miss so many close friendships, i know i have ones SO STRONG to make up for the slack. it makes me melt to have trust and to be trusted. respect just makes my spine straight and goosebumps array my skin. i had so many thoughts today in the car that i wanted to write down here, i just knew i would remember, but i knew the moment would pass and i wouldnt feel that way again.
the combination of chords just really sifts the stray stuff out. nothing else matters because my heart is so swollen when i hear this song, that my brain seems so small. my worries are microscopic compared to what in my life is my honey and the moon that lights up my life. all my dreams are waking up. right now. so delicate. so flowery. so lovely. i want to cry out of shameless joy. it's a reminiscent song. a photo album song. a friendship song. love me. i love you. these words cant justify it. it cant be bogged down to this blog. shores of freedom. and the end just fades out correctly so that you know it's over, and there's nothing to regret. it's one of those songs you can listen to once in one sitting and you are content. it's not something to obsess over wildly, just obsess modestly. it changes me. but the way it winds down is just effortlessly genious.
another song:
travis's lyrics are so clear. so poised. his voice is so elegant. not ringing, not strong but modest and almost quivering. almost like he wants to whisper but he knows that we wouldnt be able ot hear him. but if he's too loud then he cant portray the song's meaning. beautiful

Today is the day
For dancing and for singing
The birds in the tree and all
the bells are ringing
The sun in the sky
Is bright as bright as second light
Is bright oh God I hope I'm alright
Cause I'm gonna cry
Hold on, hold on
Slow down, slow down
You're out of touch
Out of touch
Cause there is no design for life
There's no devils haircut in my mind
There is not a wonderwall
to climb or step around
But there is a slideshow and it's so slow
Flashing through my mind
Today was the day
But only for the first time
Hold on, hold on
Slow down, slow down
You're out of touch
Out of touch


jeudi, avril 01, 2004

free myself. let go and just make everything go up. make it soar. make it go past all the tedious worries. freedom. freedom. run away tonight. run away from all the temptations. complexes. mindsets. surroundings. make it my own world. everything i perceive is my world, no mattter how it is portrayed. i dont know what life is. there is no way to know. why? why? why? is all i can ask. it doesnt help. all these words. all these tons and tons of words that define foundations of my life. LOVE is huuuuuge and it's so ill-defined. so foggy. how do we know that it even fits inside the boundaries of the definition or even the word. been raised episcopalian. love it. fragments of htoughts. stained glass broken into pieces of color-streaked light. my life. my love. my perspective. so funny what i claim as "mine". the things i love to know about. the things i touch. the things i know. the things i see. the things i favor. the people i feel okay with. t he people i want to feel okay with. the people i want to feel more than okay with. the boundaries that hold me back. the STUPID walls that hold me back that i know good and well enough to break out of. but i dont? yes. i dont. ignorance and uniformity is so easy. so blissful. i love it. but i'm not happy with it. i'm not settled. get me out of it! so i'm out of it. now i'm alone. on a quest for truth out by myself. independence might eat me alive. or am i really alive. is life just a dream? just a perception of experiences. is God my purpose? What is God? I want God. I want to believe in Him. i want to BELIEVE Him. Free me from this hassle.

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives -arthur

mardi, janvier 06, 2004

ya know i pride myself on being humble? having a humble persona. now think about that statement. PRIDE myself on being HUMBLE. oxymoron at its best. the epitomy of oxymorons.

so i'm abandoning the statement.

that's a shocker.

christians are supposed to be humble, but not insecure, and i think that when i look at myself in the mirror and i have make up in front of me and i dont wear it, it's not because i am confident with my looks, it's because i want to be humble. i want people to know that i am not just an image, i'm deeper than that. but at the same time i am insecure.

i am beautiful. i took a candle bubble bath today and i felt beautiful. i got out of the bath and into the cool air with my window open, and i felt beautiful. i played my crappy guitar for a while and i knew that it was beautiful. it is time for me to keep on recognizing that. for me to take care of myself. not neglect my outer appearance. not to take on a humble persona, when even taking on a persona is NOT humble.

so i stayed home from school today because i felt terrible. sick. i couldnt sleep last night, so i slept today and felt just amazing when i woke up. matt brought me coffee and i felt loved, ann robin called to make sure i was okay, and i felt wanted. there are so many areas of confidence, and i am so blessed with the beauties that i have. the unattractiveness and awkwardness just withers away. i cant ignore that anymore.

it's so ironic that today i stayed home because it was awful, and now i feel just amazing.

when i have bad days or bad feelings, i just think that "this feeling will pass too"...and i dont want this feeling to pass. but it will. but i'm happy to have it.

i may seem pompous by this whole post, but that's the reason i'm not reading it over. i'm not going to say that i dont care what people think about this post. the whole reason people even say that they dont care about what people think of them is because they DO CARE what people think of them. hah yeah think about that one.

but genuinely, this post IS for me. this blog is for me. and i feel guilty saying that because i do judge other blogs and i do think about what people should or should not post (sorry meredith). but everyone on the other hand has the same right to post whatever they want and has the right to pass judgement on whatever they want, so i'm just gonna say screw it, and just write. that's all i'm here to do.
i'm back in the game baby!


I'm spinning around the room in awe. I'm spinning around the room. I'm floating through a room of halls. Partytime. Stops breathing like a china doll. And broken eyes.
- ryan adams


mardi, décembre 02, 2003

so wow. things are so much better. and so much different.
i just think that summer makes people lonely sometimes. maybe it's the whole break from school. but the holiday break is good because you're still around people and still around the WONDERFUL cozy feeling of CHRISTMAS. last year was hard. last Christmas wasnt my favorite, but this one i'm feeling will make ammends.

i have noticed that i always find something to worry about. i think about that alot. sometimes when i'm feeling extra light i try to find something to worry about so i won't miss it. i think it's some kind of condition. hah.

i met a genuinely cool person. just really cool. he is a lion. he just has that look. the gentle graciousness and mercy and headstrong ideals and actions. he says there's too much black/white mentality. right on.
i say that there's always gray matter, but not everyone sees the same gray matter as any one else.

does anyone else just SCREAmmmm! i mean just holler. just let it out. when you're driving by yourself and you are just so happy so overwhelmingly happy. the happiness can't stay in your body anymore, it has other places to go, other people to meet, where is it going to go? how is it going to get out? what to do? oh my goodnesss! I"M SCREAMING I'M BELLOWING! WOOOOOOOOOOOoooOOooo. i mean it's completely safe. nobody can hear you. yeah maybe people can see you, but it's private, it's loud, you can feel the intensity. i mean that's where the whole "screaming into a pillow" idea goes wrong...it just goes into the pillow and disappears. with the screaming in the car, you can feel the greatness for a good 10-12 seconds. yeeeeah.
good songs do that to me.
good phone calls do that to me.
being freee for a few minutes does that to me.
knowing that you're in a car, you're going somewhere, you're in control, you're doing everything you can to get there, you can't possibly worry about that...just being light for a few moments just gets me high.
oh the joys of life. WOOOOAOOOAOOOO!

When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely
I want to be a lion
Everybody wants to pass as cats
We all want to be big big stars, but we got different
reasons for that
Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe
- Counting Crows



general
You're Generally Indie. There's nothing wrong with
this. You like music all over the map and
aren't adversed to listening to some Top 40
here and there. You just know to comment that
The Neptunes are the best producers around
right now. You don't feel the need to debate
constantly with other music geeks, because you
know that Pavement were the best band of the
90s.


You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla

dimanche, novembre 23, 2003

i wanna be in a john hughs film.

ya know? pretty in pink, 16 candles, breakfast club, st. elmo's fire...one of those. i love the comparison of clean, fresh, ray-ban clad, bmw driving, a-ha listening popular groups to the punk nobody. i love relating them to eachother. i love it. i just want that so badly!! it's so chilling and just FUN to watch the whole layout of their lifestyle and how SOMEHOW they are drawn to eachother for some reason.

i guess that's why i'm so in love with THE OC!!!!!! ahhhhh i'm incredibly obsessive.
most of the time i feel like i'm an individual. but i'm SO desperate when i dont have people that i can fall back on. i think it's so cool to have friends. i think that's the COOLEST thing in the world. it's so unattractive to not have friends. when i see someone who i think is a loner one time, but then the next time i see them, they're with friends, it makes me SO happy. it's like i worry about people if they dont have friends. it's just relieving. i guess that's because i'm so scared of losing friends. i'm so scared of being without TRUE friends.

i've been watching the 100 greatest one hit wonders today and i couldnt help but notice HOW MANY songs were from the 80s!! i love the whole new wave stuff. all of that is just great. i love 80s movies. like mystic pizza!! ahhh.. i saw that the other day!!

good to be back on blogger!! i miss reading all of the blogs and what not...i guess i just felt burnt out or something!

And every single hope and dream I could ever conjure up
Passionately springs in me and all things are possible
Plausible and perfectly both of ours forever after and every day
At least it seemed that way
Once for such a beautiful while that still makes me smile
-blues traveler

mercredi, novembre 05, 2003

maybe i do need help with some things in my life.
i always thought that faith and good will were more important than the little sins. just like how grammar isnt as important as the overall message and structure of a piece of literature.
when i get so meticulous as to even perfect the little things, i almost feel like i've lost my path. i feel like i havent really covered any REAL ground. any important ground. it reminds me of how chlostraphobic the church can get when you know there are billions of people out there who could know Christ as well or better than you do. and you want to help so badly. but they dont have the opportunity. church seems so safe. just as Matthew said, there is no way to write down all of the wondrous things that Jesus did, and just as my pastor said, there is no way to cover all of the teachings and aspects that are involved in true and pure christianity. there is no way to be a pure christian. we had One, but we crucified Him. there is no way to be perfect.
i know that i should get closer to what i want to aspire to. i appreciate the help that is offered. i need it. i really do. it's so hard to swallow my pride and self-righteous arguments and just stick it out and listen to you while you are SO RIGHT. i just dont like getting caught off guard. i dont like being corrected. especially by somebody who is not authoritative. i dont like the way you handled it, nor the way i handled it, but i'm glad that you took heart in it. so thanks.

mercredi, octobre 22, 2003

stuff is going on. i'm involved in it. sometimes i feel like the middle person, like i'm just watching, but most of the time i feel pretty involved. good stuff is going on. weird, awkward stuff is going on. frustration is present, but often cornered by relief. i'm more reserved. i'm less self-righteous. i'm extremely happy about that. i had more fun being outgoing, but i think i'm becoming maybe more of the person i want to be by reserving myself, but at the same time, not closing myself off.

okay so i'm trying to patch things up with my brother. we used to be uber close. i played (and enjoyed it) with him EVERY day. when i reached my preteen years, we kinda drifted, and now that he's in his preteens, i wanna be there for him because i didnt have somebody older there for me. and now that i have my license (EE!!!) i can take him places and spend more time with him. i just want us to be friends. i admire him so much.
the end of cross country makes me think more about my off-season motivation for running. on the way home from oxford laaate saturday night, my dad told me stories to keep me awake. he told me about agon, which is the struggle within yourself. agon is the greek root word for AGONY, which means intense pain. greek men and women who ran marathons would simply run for the sensation of agon. i recognize that feeling, and i really think that only runners can easily recognize its whole presence. it's that feeling in my lungs that i cant breath anymore, the feeling in my quads that i cant lift them anymore, the pain in my shoulders that i cant hold myself up anymore, the powerful tightness in my stomach that i cant stomach it anymore, and it's the voice in my head that tells me i need rest. those are my symptoms of agon, and it is always present in me. it gives me the cue to really start running hard, and sometimes i want to give into that voice in my head. i just want to WALK. but when i block everything out, voices, pain, competitors, all i can feel is me winning over agon. me winning over myself.
i cant let my grades drop. i'm scared that i havent been spending enough time with studying, we havent had a test ALL WEEK, and i only had one test last week. i work better when i have a LOT to do, and it's imperative for me to manage my time wisely. otherwise, i dont get anything done because i slack off, not worrying. i really do post about the same things over and over again. sorry, i know it's not entertaining, but i need to get it all out of me. so THERE! haha

everything moves so fast I should know it won't last
take some stock -what you are, what you see, what you got.
it tells me true I want a connection to
someone something
edge of a knife been missing it all my life
someone something
they get you where you live
don't go back you can't go back again
-spoon


lundi, octobre 13, 2003

i know how to manage my time. i just have to relearn actually managing it.

today was unbelievably stressful. i don't think i realized that until the crosscountry meet. i had a weekend to prepare myself for the race, study, write an english paper and write a history paper. i wasn't prepared for the race, i didn't ice my leg this whole weekend. i wrote both papers today AT school during study hall, break and lunch. i procrastinated SO badly, and i'm shameless.

i think i LIKE to have pressure on me. for some reason it's fun to race to get papers finished. i like being stressed because i feel like worrying might actually help, and because i'm in a time crunch i get things done, therefore the worrying might have helped. i didn't like racing today though. i just have no incentive anymore. yeah, i crave the feeling after i finish. i love going out to eat afterward. i love the atmosphere of the meets. i love the people. i love the muscles. the slightly toned but slender ones. the quiet and swift ones, just like runners. for some reason inbetween the actual meets and looking at stats of GOOD runners i realized that i might not classify as a "real" runner. i admire from the sidelines and sometime jog in place compared to the other runners. but even with the discouragement i STILL run. that's why i like running. even when it takes everything away from you, it leaves a bit of mental comfort that sticks to you. that's why there are so many runners who stop and then come back and run again. it's coming home.

i'm kinda glad that cc season is almost over. maybe i'll stop thinking about the elements of running. i think it's overworking my brain. it shouldnt be this complex.

Now let the music keep our spirits high
And let the buildings keep our children dry
Let creation reveal it’s secrets by and by
By and by--
When the light that’s lost within us reaches the sky
- jackson browne

samedi, octobre 11, 2003

it seems so often that i find myself whispering to myself "just leave him alone, just leave him alone"
do we really lose people? i know you can lose friends and stuff...and i dont know if that's what i'm experiencing. i read the entries that i've written and everything just seems like a soap opra rollercoaster. i only write in here when i'm feeling shakey i guess.
i used to talk about how i had an abundance of guy friends. and i guess my deepest and most sincere relationships have been with guys. i also feel now that maybe i cling too hard to those relationships. i want people to think i'm special. everyone wants people to find something great abotu them. i want people to think i'm special. it's my biggest flaw. if you think i'm special, it's because i WANT you to think that i am. that's so hard to admit because i know how unattractive and manipulative that is. guys, i really dont want to be manipulative. sometimes it's easier to fool guys into thinking that i'm special. the smart ones can eventually see through it, and it's usually the smart ones that make me say "just leave him alone, just leave him alone" to myself.
i wanted to talk SO badly to one of the smart ones tonight. so he called me but said that he was going to bed. i had a pretty shakey night and i wanted to let it all out. i wanted to maybe break some ice that had covered our seasonal relationship for the past 6 months. i wanted him to maybe talk to me and actually TALK about something. something that broke the surface. i wish that could happen. i called him back and i wanted him to say that he wasnt tired anymore. i could almost hear him saying it. i could almost feel myself prying it out of him because i wanted to talk to him so badly. he's so smart though. he just added more ice to the relationship and we got off the phone and i found myself upstairs saying to myself "just leave him alone just leave him alone".
he's such a listener. he's such the person that i wish i could be. he doesnt manipulate people. he has in his hands the relationship that once could have been but cant be now. he's the one who resists the temptation. i love to watch him run because that's where he is his best. that's where he comes out of his shell and camoflauge and dominates. i'd love to see him at church. patiently sitting there paying attention and soaking it in. ready to set an example for all that can recognize him even though he's wearing his camoflauge. maybe he used to see something special. i guess i burned him too badly. i dont mean to. that doesnt matter, i know. and i guess nothing can ever happen because maybe he's just guarding his heart like he should. i wish i could just leave him alone. i wish i could just be silent around him. i wish i didnt have to watch him run. or wish to see him at church. i wish i just didnt have to say anything to him at all. i wish i just didnt have to look at him.
and it's not just that we're seasonal. when i talk to him about running i just know how purely enthused he is about it. it just makes me love it even more. it makes me want to be around him. that's when i like him so much. then when i dated jack, he liked me then and i liked him back but i didnt know what to do. he always likes me at difficult times and it's tough and i always end up burning him.
ever since i've known him we've had some connection. it's more than running. i know it. i feel it. it's something more.
maybe i'm just dramatizing it. i'll stop.

i think i've lost my best friend too. no more giggles. no more calling him when things are wrong. no more classes together. no more kisses on the cheek. no more of those pure smiles at eachother.
my favorite part about friendships is this: that mid-laugh smile that you get for just simply loving your friend. then when you're in that mid-laugh smile you look at eachother and you're both in mid-laugh smile and everything is in sync and you are just in the middle of fate because you know that everything is pure when it comes to understanding true friendship. you dont have to explain it. you just enjoy eachother and you know.
i dont know. maybe i'm just feeling funky right now, but i feel vulnerable and very alone. i have friends and i have people to be with but i feel very very alone. and i dont want to.

mercredi, octobre 08, 2003

i've heard of fair-weathered friends. I just now heard of seasonal friends.
fall is and always has been my favorite season. i really rely on seasons. playing in leaves. going up to oxford and seeing all the green fade and orange take over. pumpkin bread. breezes. bike ride. family football games. i used to be excited about soccer. cross-country. everything is just blissful and fall is such a hippy season. carefree and signaling a peace sign as winter eventually sucks the warm colors and warm feelings out of fall's reign. cross-country.

it is passive. it is a star becasuse of its hard work and talent. but it is in the shadow of everything else. it has faith. it has conciseness. it is pure and it takes your energy away. it calms you and you succumb to it. it comprises fortitude and willingness.

is it an injustice to a friendship if it only exists in the midst of a certain time period or season? is there anyway to stop it from being bound to a season. is there anyway to get trust back from somebody taht you've obviously (even though unwillingly) hurt? but it's not that. it's the let-down of when i thought that there was more to the friendship than a season. maybe there's not right now, but it's there somewhere. whenever we talk, no matter what about, it has to do with cross-country. he's the only person that i WANT to talk about cross-country to, but i see something more and it hurts because what if there's nothing more? that's all i know about him.
one of my friends said it's like a sweater. it's good for fall and comfortable, but not suitable for all the time. so you pick it back up with fall. i dont like that.
maybe i should just let it go. if that's all there is, and if that's all he thinks there is, then obviously nobody has tried to make it different. i've never dealt with something like this before. but maybe i just havent seen it before...that bold description up there is the description of cross-country and him. i guess that i just havent noticed it before.

lundi, septembre 29, 2003

YAY COOL NEW STUFF! the question thing from meredith :

1 -- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

1. What do you like best about yourself? Consequentely, if there was anything that could be changed, what would it be?
alright, i like that i am independent. i like my eyes, and that i get compliments on my eyes. i like being strong, but being able to collapse without breaking. i like my modesty. i like my good grammar. i like being creative. i like analyzing things. i like how i think. i like liking people.
i wish i could be inbetween being independent and dependent on people. i wish i could handle being lonely sometimes. i wish i was consistent and reliable all of the time. i wish i could settle. i wish i had self-discipline. i wish i wasnt so possessive of things. haha pretty much everything i complain about in this blog.
2. If you could live one person's life (the good and the bad included) who would it be and why? (Person can be living or dead.)
sally taylor. james taylor and carly simon's daughter. i would love to grow up around the environment of the creative individuals of those two music phenomenons. i would love to have a deep bond with my whole family as she does. i would love to have the musical and creative ability that she does.
3. What can make you smile on the worst of bad days?
a beatles song. any one of them. even the sad ones because they are meant for the sad people. jonny lang blues help a lot too. calling a friend and just talking and not say what's wrong. talking to my dad. a letter (a reeeall letter, not email). rolly polies. clover. kittens.4. Are you more like your mom or your dad (personality-wise)?
i have the thoughts of my dad. i have the lack of self-discipline of my dad. i have the selfishness but honesty from my dad. my dad gave me the instinct to run away . my will to run (in more ways than one) is from my dad. i have my mom's way of cutting off people and having a cruel sense of humor at the worst times. i lose trust easily like she does. i am sarcastic like she is. i'm afraid to really live life with risks like she is.5. In ten years, what do you think you will say about your high school years?
i still cry about "losing" my childhood years. i feel like they were swept right from underneath me. i kinda feel like these are going to be the "good ole days" in ten years. i get more passive as i mature, so i dont think i'll be as upset about "losing" my highschool years. i think i'll look back alot though, and i think that i will say that life is so much fun in the highschool fastlane, but i had no clue back then on what was really important. because i dont, and i dont think anyone does until they get out of the highschool nutshell.

lundi, septembre 22, 2003

i dont want to blog anymore. i dont want to race anymore. i dont want to deal with wanting to be some part of his life. i dont want to worry about grades anymore. i dont want to take a shower. i dont want to feel really low about myself right now. i dont want to deal with jack. i dont want to deal with having feelings for somebody and wanting them to have feelings for me even though they used to. i dont want to deal with the fact that if he reads this, it will be completely unattractive and weird. i just dont want this anymore. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of putting on a smile and hoping that he thinks i'm a good person. no matter how hard i pray, i have no hope in my faith. i feel down.

i feel so much better now.

in other news, i love my dad so much. i just enjoy him. he picked me up friday, we ate catfish, saw a movie. just like the old times. he had patience, he had laughter. i realized last night that these WILL be the old times. i appreciate these every-other-weekends because i have so much fun with him. i hate to say it, but people always say that 15 is so young, but in a short 3 years i'll be in college, and i wont have these weekends with him. 52 weekends in a year. 3 years. 156 weekends. half of those. 78 more weekends. 2 days in a weekend. so 156 more days to be with him. for a while i stopped having fun with him, but this weekend i remember the times a couple of years ago. when we actually did stuff. now he's stable and on his feet again, and life is okay. i like dealing with that.

One summer night on the copperline
Slip away past supper time
Wood smoke and moonshine
Down on copperline
One time I saw my daddy dance
Watched him moving like a man in a trance
He brought it back from the war in france
Down onto copperline
Branch water and tomato wine
Creosote and turpentine
Sour mash and new moon shine
Down on copperline
Down on copperline
- james taylor

dimanche, septembre 14, 2003

There is this picture of me running at a cross-country meet where the girl in front and all the girls in front and behind me look miserable. I’m smiling. There is an appealing characteristic to me in being mysterious: smiling when things are miserable. I did it for the camera, and know where that attitude sprouted from. It comes from people saying the oh-so-cliché “I’m going to smile but I’m really not happy” thing. It makes me special to have deeper feelings behind the smiles. It makes an interesting book out of me. Read me and see what’s really there!

What’s really there in the instinct to fake a smile and start small-talk and reply with “nothing” when somebody asks what’s wrong is feeling unique and well-liked. Bottling things in gives me something to think about and plants new ideas from the seeds of fake smiles. It gives me something to write. But of course, writing automatically portrays that I am a deep individual.

Maybe I just wanted it to be a good picture, but yeah, I guess that thought conjured up newer and less innocent (as usual) ideas.

Makes you sick, makes you ill, makes you cheat, slipping change from the till.
Had it up to the gills... makes you cry while the milk still spills. Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain... Well it's all a crying shame. What left to do but complain? Better find someone to blame. -ok go



samedi, septembre 13, 2003

"Narnia, Narnia, Narnia, awake. Love. Think. Speak. Be walking trees. Be talking beasts. Be divine waters." - Aslan from The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis

It's so great to be enchanted on a boring Saturday. To lie in bed all day, briefly talk on the phone with another bored person, and then to eat popcorn, drink diet coke and read GREAT beloved books that haven't been opened in 6 years is all a wonder. I ran afterward in the light rain, and then up a tiresome and huge hill I saw the fascination of a giant's rainbow. With awe, I had the boundless energy, while just staring at the blended primary colors in my primary eyesight. The clouds of cotton that supported the base of the rainbow were sponged with peach and periwinkle and blush. ahhhhh.

then I came home, I had a clear thought. And I wrote it down. I started writing again. Or I wrote that one time. And it felt so familiar and yet so fresh. Amazing how a nowhere day can bring so much enchantment. I love saturdays.

jeudi, septembre 11, 2003

i wanted to start this post out with something easy like doing the thursday three or something. maybe a survey. but thursday three hasnt updated in a while so i dont have any questions. so i guess it's getting harder and harder for me to write these posts.

i'm really not as lonely anymore. my friendships are pretty balanced, and i'm pretty neutral. i dont spaz and worry as much. i guess that might be another reason why i havent posted. it's so weird to not even feel like things are changing, and then to look back and see how different things REALLY are. situations arent a big deal to me anymore, and i live everyday and have fun without worrying as much as i used to. i'm a lot more responsible with schoolwork. i dont gossip as much. i stay true to my intentions. i try my hardest not to blow people off. my social status might not have changed much, but i'm a lot happier, and that matters SO MUCH.

i havent been writing lately. it's so strange how from when i was 10 until i was about 13, i wrote ALL THE TIME. songs, poems, shortstories, and just journal entries. i just dont think about it anymore. yes, i have the habit of analyzing EVERYTHING that happens to me and EVERY action i make, but i dont really write it down so much. i'm not sure how i like that. i kinda feel like it's healthier for me to write stuff down. i'll have these spurts where i HAVE to write stuff down, and i guess that's what i'm going through right now since i'm blogging.
wow yeah, this feels so much better.


"Skip the air strip to the sunset
Ride the arrow to the target-one
Take it hip to hip rock it through the wilderness
Around the world the trip begins with a kiss" - b-52's


dont get me wrong, i AM worried about some things. like my date for homecoming. i dont think i'm gonna have a date to homecoming, but if i do, i want somebody who will DANCE. i am serious. i am so scared that somebody who wont dance is gonna ask me. or just that nobody is gonna ask me.

and my running career too... ahhh... doing AWFUL. i mean i'm running as hard as i can, and people are STILL passing me. AGH... i'm getting over a cold though, so maybe that's it. so yeah, i'm sure i'll do better. i did better today when we practiced.

mardi, septembre 02, 2003

it's a tragedy. it's death. he was thrown from the toyota tacoma at 12:08 on friday night. it's so eery because he'd been in the back of my mind. he was the one in art class that sat in the corner, laughed with friends, but was ultimately quiet. i'm almost embarrased for even thinking "hmm he'd make that great boyfriend, or friend..he's so quietly attractive." none of those silly notions matter anymore. i think of these little things i gripe about in posts, and they evaporate into the mist that surrounds everyone when they hear "he's dead. he's gone." i didnt know him. i didnt speak to him.
i feel a shiver in my stomach when i know that he's been in the back of my head. his brother, cameron is my favorite of my brother's friends. his mom looks so weak. holding on by a single heartstring. his brothers, furious. his friends, changed for life. when i went to see his mom, who has survived her husband's death, her father's death, and now her 17 year old son's death, she talked as if he was just upstairs, about to come down from dinner. he may be up somewhere, but he's not coming down. " he said yall were in the same art class...that there were a lot of 10th graders in there, he's not much with art, football is just his thing..." how do you realize it? how do you deal with that?
cameron, 11, was just standing there looking at the coffin. by himself. holding a flower. just looking at it. helpless, confused. in complete subtle shock. he walked towards the crowd at the burial... i walked up to him, and hugged him, he hugged back and all i wanted to tell him is that i REALLY am here for him. i REALLY want him to take advantage of the fact that i will be here. people say that all the time. "i am here for you". it's like "how are you?", "what's up"...a respectable greeting. i didnt mean it to be a cop-out. i want him to know that i really do care. i dont know how to show him that. i dont know how he is going to deal with it.
it's just one of those things that makes the acid in your stomach. it's so bitter. it's just the thing that you want to take back. it's the words you shouldn't have said. it's the actions that ruined the perfect relationship. in this case, it took the future from a boy that did nobody harm. it took a piece from a family that was already missing a piece here and there. it took peace.
he had drunk a little bit that night, it was a one car accident. completely unexpected. i noticed him in the back of my mind at the football game that night. i feel like i missed out on something. i feel like i was doddling getting dressed and missed the bus. i feel like he spent too much time in the back corner of my mind, instead of maybe i could say "excuse me" walking out the door, and hear him say "oh that's fine", just knowing that he had spoken to me once. just knowing that i got a piece of what he was.
his friends spoke at the funeral. you know that they are changed forever. they spoke of fishing, hunting, and smile. they spoke of his goodwill, they spoke of his understanding. they didnt speak of the alcohol that was inside him, but you know that it was in their minds when they spoke. that is the good that comes out of all this. it was a wake up call. it was a wake up call WAY TOO EARLY in the morning. it was a wake up call early for him, while i was still doddling getting dressed for school. i missed the bus.
his uncle found a cd when they were gathering stuff from his car after the wreck. it had a song on it called "tomorrow" by ninth hour. "if i dont wake up tomorrow, tell them i'll be alright, send a letter to the world that Jesus holds me tight, i've been through stormy weather, through thick and through thin, but if i dont wake up tomorrow, tomorrow's not the end." all this horror, all this realization becomes absolute beauty when i heard this song at the funeral. through the crying and the sniffling in the crowd, "tell them i'll be alright" was louder than any silly notion or fatal wimper.


this is from here it's the obituary
William P. "Bill" Crockett, 17, a student, died Friday, August 29, 2003. Visitation is 5-8 p.m. today at First Baptist Church in Jackson. Services are 10 a.m. Tuesday, September 2, 2003 at the church with burial in Parkway Memorial Cemetery in Ridgeland. Wright & Ferguson Funeral Home in Jackson is in charge of arrangements.


William P. "Bill" Crockett

Bill, a native of Lafayette, La., had been a resident of Jackson several years. He was a Senior at Jackson Academy where he loved all sports and was a member of the football team. He was an avid hunter, fisherman and woodsman who loved all of God's outdoors, especially snow skiing. He was known by friends and family to be hardworking and kind hearted. Bill was preceded in death by his Grandfather Emile Meyer, Jr. and his Father William P. Crockett, Jr. who he loved with all his heart.


Surviving are his Mother and Stepfather, Michelle and David Jacobs of Madison, two brothers, Taylor and Cameron Crockett of Madison, two stepbrothers, Preston and Parker Jacobs of Madison, paternal grandparents, Bill and Marguerite Crockett of Madison, maternal grandmother, Joretta Meyer of Jackson, uncle and aunt, Scott and Kelly Crockett of Madison, uncle and aunt, Lee and Kim Crockett of Brandon, aunt and uncle Malissa and Pat Zouboukos of Madison, uncle, Wade Meyer of Jackson, uncle, Emile Meyer, III of Denver, Colo., step grandmother, Gwynn Jacobs of Jackson and extended family, Brook and Janet Jacobs of Jackson, Dr. Carl and Elizabeth Jacobs of Atlanta, Phil and Nella Colson of Atlanta, Al and Alice Roberts of Mendenhall and numerous cousins.


Memorials may be made in name of Bill Crockett, III, to the Mississippi Wildlife Federation 855 South Pear Orchard Rd. Suite 500 Ridgeland, MS 39157. Crockett

mardi, août 26, 2003

i have to get this out in the open right now. i feel exposed when i write in my blog. i feel judged and prodded at because i get questions like this:
Von xhito: what happened with your man? read something in your jounral
mswildchild2 3: oh everything cleared up
mswildchild2 3: back to normal now
Von xhito: so together?
mswildchild2 3: why are you asking me questions like that?
Von xhito: ok nvm

i guess that's what i ask for when i write about personal things in my blog, and i LOVE IT SO MUCH when yall comment, but for some reason i do feel violated when that guy asked me about that whole thing. i dont know. ugh i just feel weird now...so this post might not be so open.

do you ever get posessive about things that you literally cant be possessive of? i do. MUSIC. this guy was blaring "8 days a week" by the beatles in his car the other day and i got jealous or something because the beatles were giving him their joyful art instead of JUST me. and ben kweller, i hate it when somebody else likes him more than i do. i used to be like that with alanis morissette. it's absolutely ridiculous of me though. it's just my instinct and emotions, i dont ever think about it logically or rationally. i'm like that with cross-country too, i dont like it when somebody new comes in to the team and is better than me. cross country in a lot of ways isnt a team sport though, it's competing with yourself. so i'm not getting jealous of a team mate, i just dont like it. lets see, i'm like that with writing too. if somebody doesnt seem like an authentic writer, i dont like that they even TRY to write. at the same time, i believe in acceptance of all people, i just have these hidden feelings in my chest about things like that. weird huh? it's some kind of superiority complex i'm sure. i know i'm not the BEST at ANYTHING at all. i've never been. i'm average, but for the things that i'm a sorta good at, i dont like some of the people who get by easily in that field. i dont know, weird stuff.

i am so ecstatic about THE OC tonight!!! that's the only thing that i'm looking forward to this week. i go to my dad's house this weekend, and i'm kinda excited but just kinda neutral about the whole thing. i have time trials tomorrow to determine who's in the top seven in cross-country. pray/ wish me good luck!! pleeease because i need it...BADLY. i dont know, this post seems a little negative but i'm just in this weird mood. here's something good:



the week's end!
friday night i had haley w., ann robin, and ashley w. spend the night. we got realllly cute and took pictures and went to the school dance. getting ready for the dance was soo much more fun than actually going to it. matt and i danced a lot which was REALLY funny. we came home and watched the Lizzy Mcguire movie!! CUTE!! haha i wish she and gordo would fall in love in real life. actually i want gordo to get some better girl. i love gordo. what ever happened to miranda? then we pigged out, slept. we got up and on saturday we went to the jackson country club, worked out, ate, laid out. then ann robin took us (except for haley because she had to go home and she got suprised with a brand new pathfinder) to her lakehouse and we tubed on this big huge raft thing called a hot dog and it looks like a hotdog, you straddle it like a horse. then we ate grilled chicken, hung around the gorgeous lake house and went home. i got up sunday morning and we discussed the issue of the ten commandments monument in alabama. which i believe that by taking down the monument, we will be upholding the separation of church and state laws, and therefore making it well known that america and christians accept those that worship differently and worship a different faith, or none at all. we also accept that those that feel uncomfortable with a christian monument infront of a judicial building. that's why the church/state laws are in action. so then i slummed around the house until 6, went to youth group, came home. yada yada yada.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. I ain't got nothing but love, babe eight days a week. - the beatles

lundi, août 18, 2003

" We're Going To Be Friends "


Fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we're going to be friends

Walk with me, Suzy Lee
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
then safely walk to school
without a sound

Well here we are, no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
nouns, and books, and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height
against the wall

And we don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends

things are weird. i guess that's starting school and all, and though so many things have changed now that i'm a (whoop whoop!) SOPHOMORE baby, i've changed. i've developed confidence. if i havent quite developed it, it's developing right now. confidence really is the key to everything. faith. trust. love. friendship. maybe i'm obnoxious sometimes, but i'm not fully matured yet either. i guess that's what highschool is all about. it's about maturing.

i also realized something in the past whopping TWO days of school. yeah i'll have guy friends and i'll have girl friends. the number of each kind will differ. but maybe what matters is just having friends at all in the first place. i really am thankful for having mine. they build my confidence.

time trials on thursday for 2 miles. decides who is on the top seven in cross country. okay, right now i'm not worrying about the top seven. i just want to finish it without walking at all. i ran today for 20 minutes, and just about collapsed. well all i've had to eat today was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and i only had 5 hours of sleep last night, and not any water today, so i was ill-prepared. it was also at 330- the heat of the day. i just hope that i can do something important this cross-country season. i'm just so scared i'm going to dissapoint myself, or somebody else.

i also need to make great grades this year. i'm on scholarship and i have to maintain a B average. i want to have an A average. i'm scared about history and art 2. i just dont know.

the guy i was hoping for. the guy that i went on a couple of dates with, obviously doesnt regard them as dates anymore. i always feel that maybe my first impression on people is satisfactory, but then i seem "needy" after that. he seemed SO interested and we clicked so well. the same weird stuff happens to both of us, we're both extremely sarcastic and love The Family Guy. he's my perfect guy to hope for. he's laid back, likes ben kweller, loves dippin dots, keeps me laughing. has the laid back look with the old tshirt and jeans. has cool friends. things were just ideal. we could be friends, but i thought "why not more?".
so he kinda stopped calling me after a while. after the second date, i felt kinda awkward around him. i would understand why he would feel awkward around me, i mean i did pay for our dinner the second date because he didnt have enough money. i really didnt care at all, but it just made things just weird. he felt bad, i didnt want him to feel bad...all that nonsense. but so last night he IMed me and we were talking and stuff and about 10 minutes into the conversation, we talked about what we did this last weekend. so he went to memphis with his fam to go see his little sister play soccer and apologizes for not doin anything with me this weekend...well then he starts telling me about this girl from jackson, tennessee who he hadnt seen in forever and they spent the entire weekend together. they end up deciding to date long-distance. so i thought that maybe he was making up that whole part so that he wouldnt have to tell me he didnt like me. but i talked to him on the phone afterwards and he was really really enthused about the whole relationship. he's gonna go visit her on holidays and stuff. i just wish i could have a casual, friends-and-relationship kinda thing for a long time with somebody as cool as he is. maybe if i just be patient (which is SO hard for me) things will work themselves out. i dont know how, but things always work out, and the feelings of angst and want will wither away as time passes. just like everything else does too.
i've been single for this whole summer, and it's been wonderful. no tension. no obligation. no guilt. i have just been free, but for some reason i wanted a relationship or something with him. maybe it's good that he has this new girl
because i cant feel bad if things were to have fallen through with us anyway. i can blame it on the new girlfriend. he might not even know i had or have these feelings. things were so vague with him. it's not like we were exclusive. we were friends for a year and i'm sure we'll be friends for even longer now. or i dont know. maybe things will fade. i just feel weird about this whole post now.

sorry so long
sorry i havent posted in a while!! anyway i've gotta go take a shower, rest and watch some teev, do some homo-work, convince evan to make me a stellar cd (even though he doesnt like the word stellar) and do some great things like that.

Every time we get close I just run, and the wind on my face, last rays of the sun shine on my skin, my heart slow me down. Is all that I can feel. - tracy chapman

mercredi, août 13, 2003

YOU BETCHA!

you bet i had an unexpectedly GRAND day.
woke up at 12.
graeme calls and wants to go to lunch.
went to kudzu cafe, we drove around a while, and then hung out at my house.
he had to leave because my mom left & wont let me be home by myself with a boy.
chloe calls and asks me to go to O'Charleys with a bunch of us girls!!
i cant go because momma doesnt wanna take me.
stephanie calls and wants to give me a ride.
went and had a GREAT time.
then steph and i are gonna ride to school every day together! SCHORE.
matt is comin to the pool with me tomorrow and helping me with these kids.

yeah dawggie. okay so kudzu cafe was really awkward at first because i havent seen graeme in a while and we had our outs for a little while (the whole summer)...so yeah. the breach is no longer a breach anymore. we're back in the game!!

so then matt wants to go to the movies with me, madalyne, patrick and robert. i cant go unless i have a ride, and matt couldnt give me one home because it'd be past his curfew. so i was out of that one. (even though he gave robert a ride home ??)

steph calls and says she can give me a ride to ocharleys. we have a great time. tons of people i havent seen all summer, they were so nice, so funny and it was wonderful. if any guys were there, it wouldnt be as much fun. riding in the car with stephanie was great too, it's just weird because we could be great friends and we live by eachother, we've just never tried before, and i'm glad that with riding to school together, we might have a chance at that. SO EXCITED!

then i came home and cleaned my room, took a bath and all. tomorrow might be pretty good as well, with going to the club and all. i have to go play in the pool with these little twins (my god mother's kids) and matt's coming to help and eat lunch with me.i'll probably go work out before all that too. but i have to work on my summer reading that night, and then school starts friday!!! 830-1145...with the new UNIFORM!! i look like britney spears (besides all the sexual tension in that music video) in my uniform.

oh i can feel it coming back again like a rolling thunder chasing the wind, forces pulling from the centre of the earth i guess. i can feel it. -live

mardi, août 12, 2003

it felt like i was in new orleans for a week. my 2 brothers, mom and stepdad and i went and checked in to the hotel and then went to a super old restaurant called galatoir's, and then walked around on bourbon street. i swear the streets were so crowded, everyone seemed to blend into eachother. the street chattered with people. people walked like laughter, skiddishly with noise. it was if they were trying to deny the silence and solitude that DID exist in the streets. when you're hearing out of focus, for a split-second the silence is so evident. it's as if people are sight-seeing and pointing and jibber-jabbering but nothing that they say really matters. the silence is where it doesnt matter anymore.
the second day we woke up at around 12 and shopped. i got these khakis from abercrombie, all of this stuff from the bodyshop, my homecoming dress at bcbg (which it wont let me put it up on here...but you can go to the bcbg website, and it's under "blushing beauty" and it's called "brown/powder pink non-stretch tulle dress") and this shirt from paul frank.

then we went to some steak restaurant and then to the saints/philadelphia game last night, and saints got whipped 26-16 i think. something like that. it was AMAZING walking into the stadium. jsut when you walk into the dome and you have a small rectangle view walking into the little entrance to your section, and then you walk out into the dome and everything expands, and your peripheral vision is overflowing with just PEOPLE. looking out to the roaring THOUSANDS of fans in the huge place top-to-bottom full was the most awe-inspiring experience i've had in a while. you shoulda seen what "the wave" looked like. TIDAL, man. there was this massive rise in my chest just bursting with pure excitement.

we went to the hotel, then this morning, robert and i walked around new orleans and got SO lost on canal street, which was pretty scary. i kept on thinking up scenarios where the lanky lingering guys leaning on the buildings would try to mug/rape me and i'd kick them in the stomach and run to the closest police car (which was on EVERY block.....hah completely not a good sign). i'd even make up backgrounds to these guys...like one was an out-of-job drug dealer who saw a vulnerable girl walking with an open purse, so thought to himself.."hehehe here's a way to make some easy money", and then the senario would be that i read his mind and yelled "NOT SO EASY BUDDY!!!!!!", and i'd run, stuffing my purse up in my shirt as i run vigorously down canal street.

no, really...IT WAS PRETTY SHADY down there...at 10 in the morning.

so my show comes on in 10 minutes. THE OC...extremely recommended. just enough time to get all set with my coffee icecream, blanket, pillow and water on the floor in the den with the lights dimmed for my hour of perfect entertainment!! WOOHOO

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head. - ani difranco!

samedi, août 09, 2003

i am ready for some of those new beginnings. i'm sick of living this way. i live in doubt. i am almost anti-social, that i scare people when i reach out to them. i'm not an anti-social kind of person. im not built that way. i guess that's why i'm so ready for school to start. i need some GIRL friends. hehe i like to hang out with guys so much because they are so much easier to hang around, but sometimes you just need the comradity of girl friends. i kinda feel dejected this weekend. i had a lot of fun though, i was at my dad's house and he lives in the city so it's so much easier to do stuff with people then. my mom doesnt like my madison friends, so i rarely ever hang out with them. here, i'll list my good guy friends and good girl friends:
guys
matt
robert
graeme
brian
atlanta
ryan
evan

girls
lauren
chloe
karolle
ashley
hope

and of course i have some non-close friends that i just hang out with on occasion or i just talk to every now and then, but it's not the same as just a true friendship, and i value that a lot more now. i have also found that boys are much more trustworthy in the past, when rumors took my girl friendships away, guys were always there to be a friend because they dont usually deal with stuff like that. either you're friends with them, or you're just not, and i like that simplicity. i guess i cant always have it the easy way, because i know that there's a secret code with girls that only we can understand, and it comes to a point where you realize that there's a secret code for guys too, and you cant break either side's barrier. you can only go to a certain level with the opposite sex where it's just a friendship. i miss doing girly stuff sometimes.
i just know that i'm ready for those new beginnings. this is the year for those, and i'm ready to build friendships if they glide onto me, but i'm ready to not force anything also.

i've felt kinda weird this weekend. i went to lunch with my cousin today, and things seemed distant and detached, and it's never been that way with her before. conversation usually flows. she seemed rushed and out of focus and i guess that's what she was, or maybe she's just grown up out of the conversation that we used to have. maybe it's just been too long since we've had that kind of conversation. it was a big downer though. i guess i was in a weird frame of mind too.

i used to have a problem with giving people the shaft. the worst thing in the world you can do to a person. say you can do somethin with them, and then at the last minute call em up and tell them that you cant. or promise that you can do something when all along you know that you cant. i've stopped doing that because it gets me nowhere in life, and it gets me nowhere in friendships. luckily, it's only happened with my guy friends and they've been generous enough to forgive me. they understand when i really am sorry. doing things like that can only make me an unreliable person, and i dont want to be unreliable. i want to be in the middle ground between structured and spontaneous, and i want to find that middle ground.

i know that it sounds like i am thinking way to much about things. maybe i am reading way into things, but it's been in my mind for the whole summer, and i'm lost with interaciton with some friendships. i know that i will find some more, and i'm happy that i have that hope. and i'm happy with the friends that i have.
hehe so thanks for taking the time to read this.

mercredi, août 06, 2003

lastnight/today has been extremely productive!!! not only did i go to bed BEFORE midnight (woop woop!), but just minutes after i woke up, i went downstairs and organized the computer room. i folded laundry, did dishes, made a slimfast. then i went upstairs and read part of my summer reading.

i'm reading this quite wonderful book called Lest Innocent Blood Be Shed. it took a lot of balls from my history teacher to get the admistrators to let him give this book out for summer reading because it is controversial. i guess i can see that, but it's about a small Protestant southern town in France called Le Chambon. They hid refugees during World War II without question. the title comes from Deuteronomy 19:7-10: "Therefore I command you, you shall set apart three cities. . . then you shall add three other cities to these three, lest innocent blood be shed in your land which is the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance, and the guilt of any bloodshed be upon you."

anyway so then i took a shower (i got a haircut yesterday and it looks so much better...not much length was taken off {thank the Lahwd} but more layers) and got all sorta-cute, cleaned up my room pretty well (and i think for the first time with my own free will) and did some handwashing. i've never really felt better. hehe!! and i put on makeup and stuff. i guess feeling pretty on the outside makes you giddy on the inside. OH AND this weekend, i'm going to the (new orleans) saints vs. philidelphia pre-season game in new orleans. i really do love football games, and we're on the 10th row. the excitement in the stands (especially saints fans are FANATICAL {no pun intended}) always forces me to stand up and holler with every play. i remember when i was little, i used to sit down and love it when all the adults were standing up yelling and i was the only one sitting down. i felt like i was under the covers, or in a jungle of bamboo. i was alone in a huge crowd of strangers. hah i dunno...i guess i like to stand up and holler now. we're staying at this really bohemian hotel called "the W" hehe!! it's a chain, so i'm sure it's well heard of. and we might go shopping for a new bed for me!!! please pray for it, because my twins sure are getting shorter and less comfortable. and i get to drive there (3 hours) and robert drives back. pretty stellar huh?

tonight i'm going to go to youth group and then i'll probably go for a run!! and try to get almost done with this book. i swear, as many pages i turn, it looks like i'm still in the EXACT same spot as i was before. it feels so hard to make any progress with it. and it was written by a college professor, so it has SOOO much information, my brain could explode. Paix!!

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad, then that's the only idea we'll ever have. But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see. 'Cause anyone can start a conflict, it's harder yet to disregard it. I'd rather see the world from another angle. We are everyday angels. Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way. - jewel

dimanche, août 03, 2003

okay so i told yall that i'd post again tonight. so i'm doing it. i just attempted to do some yoga on video. i think books work so much better for me. they go wayyy too fast on the tapes. so tonight at the huge stepfamily gathering thing, (which happens everytime they have a birthday, so it's often and painstaking) it was just terrible. they ask all the questions that you're just so tired of that you dont think that anyone could be so redundant to ask it AGAIN, but they DO. tonight we got there 30 minutes late because my mom always takes 30 minutes longer that she says she's gonna take REGARDLESS to get ready. so the party thing wasnt as long as it usually is. my stepdad is treated like a war hero for supporting ross and me this whole time. as if ross and i put him through hell every day. as if ross and i didnt go through anything. as if ross and i had a say in the matter. as if we asked and begged him for that. i do appreciate it, but if he doesnt want to do it, he doesnt have to. it shouldnt be his obligation.
and i DID get the lately gossip from my stepbrother. he tells me all the juice because i dont spill it. i'm not a threat to his social life at ALL. i might be a good thing since i'm somebody he can let it all out to.
i've been really bitter and introspective lately. i'm not sure, maybe i'm going through some phaze or something. but i'm so critical and cynical about everything. i try not to be. maybe i'm just ready for school. i'm not tired of summer and i'm not DYING to go back to school, but i'm well-prepared i think. i think i can take it on. i do have to finish summer reading though. hah that'd be a wonderful start. i guess i better start looking for a new layout considering that this theme wont apply anymore. PAIX!

i don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love. i dont know how someone controlled you. they bought and sold you. - george harrison
..::WORD ASSOCIATION::..
+Hurt: absence
+Love: trial
+Screw: following
+Whore:insecure
+Trust: solid
+Pretty: delicate
+God: understanding
+Hate: contagious
+Sick: hollow
+Sexy: fabricated
+Want: is everything
+Need: hope
+Fake: happiness
+Yearn: freedom
+Happiness: gateway
+Pure: empty
+Lunchbox: childhood
+Your Everything: music

ugh i've just been so frustrated! i just i dont know what to think now. i think so much that i think i've run out of topics. read some of this it's so different. it flows. i can flow but right now i'm very disjointed. my whole week has just been super weird. i can start dating actually when school starts!! so i'm anticipating that because it's been one of my frustrations. hehe. i'll write tonight when i get home from step family dinner. i'll have a new perspective on everything.

mercredi, juillet 30, 2003

and the house has no movement. even it's asleep right now in the midst of silence. it's 7 am. i'm about to go running. i just washed my face so it has a stubborn feeling of clean and pure. i am dry, and in half an hour my skin will be moist with sweat and i will be fulfilled. both dry and moist, i see the sensations of the early morning. i dont see that a lot, considering that i usually dont wake up till 12. i was supposed to wake up at 9 to go drive to oxford and get ross from basketball camp, but since i woke up a lot earlier, i'm not gonna take the chance to go back to sleep and oversleep.

it feels so placid to have this solitude in a house that kept me up listening to my parents through the air vent talking and drinking and laughing till around 2 this morning. it's another world, and i appreciate the subtle lifestyle changes that this house carries on. it's done me no wrong so far. have a great day!! and i hope you got plenty of sleep and that your day didnt start as early as mine did! :)

I won't be made useless. I won't be idle with despair. I will gather myself around my faith. For light does the darkness most fear. - jewel

mardi, juillet 29, 2003

it is very difficult for me to stand my ground while not loosing control about things. it's hard to be a christian when i'm upset at somebody because they betrayed/hurt me. it's hard for me to hold it in. it's hard for me to be that dark cloud that doesnt rain all over people. it's so relieving to rain all over a person, and get it all out, but all i feel after i've let out the storm is EMPTY. i know i should confront and then forgive, but i dont want to make a big deal out of this even though it is a big deal. i know it's terrible to read something that somebody has written on a blog and wonder what in the world they are talking about. sorry, but i dont want anyone to know what i'm talking about. i feel betrayed. i've felt betrayed for a while but it cooled down until tonight when i actually had to face this person and make small talk. i hate small talk anyway. it's never going to mean anything to my life. i know that it creates conversation but it's such a terrible cross to bear. puts a lot of flighty smiles and pressure on a person.
i have noticed that my self-discipline has improved a whole lot. i've been worried about it for the past year now, and i feel like i'm maturing. i feel like i can be that dark cloud and hold the rain in for a lot longer than i could have. i can keep gossip out of my life. i know that it's so much fun to talk about people, but i think that i can avoid gossip. i think that i can avoid getting in fights with people. better yet, i think i've learned some-what how to pick my battles. that's probably the hardest and most important things that i've tried so hard to overcome.
i have very liberal opinions about things and issues . and since i'm outnumbered by conservative people in the south, if i want get my liberal point across, i have to be bold about it. i got too bold. i didnt pick my battles. i blurted out what i thought about everything. and i learned later that by blurting my opinion about controversial issues, just made them even bigger than they ever were.
maybe i'm liberal because i believe more in christian values than i do in politics in general. i love america, but i would hesitate to die for it. i would never kill a man if i was in war. i would die for God any day. even if i wasnt a Christian, the morals and ethics of a near TRUE Christian are unstoppable. i dont think that it is possible to be a fully true Christian. everyone was born a sinner. all one can do is ask to be forgiven, and to learn how to radically love one another.

dimanche, juillet 27, 2003

this day really hasnt been that interesting, so i was reluctant to write about it. i DID watch gangs of new york for the first time, and i thought that it was just a huge melting pot of all of these emotions building up. then, at the ending battle scene, it just explodes and then doesnt matter anymore. it was beautiful. yet again, like the pianist, it was gorey and all, but that's not what stood out to me. it was all of the emotions and strife there.
i woke up at around 12, and i still havent taken a shower today, but i took one last night, so it's not terrible. i dont understand why that's so terrible, i told somebody that today, and they freaked out. i pretty much stayed in my pajamas the whole day until around 5 or so, i got all cute and went to a "Smyrna Reunion". it was pretty yes. (i'm using "yes" as an adjective now to substitute for "nice" or "good", but "yes" has more feeling of good to it than any other adjective i can use for that kind of situation, so therefore i use it. i mean, dont you feel a pang of "eeee!!" when you say yes and you mean it. that explosion of capabilities in your middle- chest? i think this parenthesis needs to close, doncha think?) so the reunion thing was just of all the youth that went on the trip. we talked, ate suppah (fajitas!!) and got those clear plastic frames, ya know, with a cute pic of all of us in there. they also read all of the inside jokes that are gonna be on the tshirt. YAY!! i love cool tshirts. my favorite thing in the world. these are the tshirts i want right now...or the ones i can remember that i want:

1) a Virginia is for lovers tshirt, because i lost mine
2) ben kweller tshirt
3) radiohead tshirt
4) sundogs bookstore tshirt
5) ski mississippi tshirt
6) a shirt that says PAIX on it (peace in french, and fred durst had it on when he was on the new tom green show, i promise yall i dont watch the tom green show that often since i refer to a lot, it just happens to be on when i watch tv)

so yeah... and on a super WONDERFUL note, my brother is up at Ole Miss basketball camp until wednesday. not only is the house really quiet and all-together placid, my parents want to go to really nice restaurants tomorrow night and tuesday night. SCORE and a half. yeah buddy. thanks meredith for sending me to matt nathanson because i like him!

In a bullet-proof vest, with the windows all closed, i'll be doing my best, i'll see you soon, in a telescope lens, and when all you want is friends, i'll see you soon - coldplay



vendredi, juillet 25, 2003

i just realized how tired i am. SO tired. i've been home for a while. we got home around 7, and then i sorta unpacked, wrote a letter to chloe at camp, went and got mcalisters, and sat around on the comp (checking mail, catching up and what not {WHICH IS SO MUCH FUN!!}). then ben lee came on the tom green show for like 5 MINUTES. but i was pleased. eee love his music. anyway. so that ended at 12 and then i putted around on the computer, and checked up on my music. these are the cds i need to BUY.

ben kweller- sha sha (i burnt it, i need to buy it now)
ben lee - hey you, yeah you (comes out in the US august 12)
weezer- pinkerton (i cant find it anywhere)
grandaddy- sumday
guster- keep it together
beulah- when your heartstrings break

so yeah..

OH YEAH! the beach!

wow it's so weird not being there anymore. it seemed like i was there forever. it was fun, but not a huge party or anything. i saw some people i know, and of course i had my step-brother, robert (who is my age and we're really close, so it's all cool...never written about him...sorry) and that was awesome. we took both cars, and robert and i drove our parents down there and back. really tiring...but fun. our parentals would fall asleep and we'd race eachother on the highway. it was a rush. we stayed at the hilton (SO DID NOT KNOW THAT THE HILTON TWINS HAD anything to do with the hilton hotels) in sandestin. i was glad to get back home, but it was nice getting away from jackson. i didnt spend as much time on the actual beach as i probably should or could have. oh well.

less than a month till school starts again. i have mixed feelings about all that. hmm

EVERYBODY DOWNLOAD UTOPIA- ALANIS MORISSETTE

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference be gentle and make room for every emotion - alanis morissette

dimanche, juillet 20, 2003

stole this one from mer!!

last cigarette: dont smoke
last car ride: This morning from my dad's house to my mom's
last kiss: hmm a while ago
last good cry: wow...like a month ago
last library book checked out: a year ago but i still have them checked out (oops)
last movie seen at the theaters: Finding Nemo
last book read: The Great Gatsby
last cuss word uttered: shit
last beverage drank: water
last food consumed: toast and jelly
last crush: will :)
last phone call: my momma to wake me up
last tv show watched: boy meets world
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my wonderful 2 year-old gap flipflops
last cd played: weezer- blue cd
last item bought: deoderent
last downloaded: ehh dont remember
last annoyance: my brother slept in the same room with me in the other bed and i could hear him moving around..alot..it's not that annoying for somebody else to do it, just him
last disappointment: that we havent left for the beach yet
last soda drank: Sunkist
last thing written: i wrote a short story yesterday called "saturday afternoons"
last key used: front door key
last sentence spoken: haha well i sang it "TELL ME WHY (aint nuthin but a heartache) TELL ME WHY (aint nuthin but a mistake)tell me why i never wanna hear yo say ' i want it that way'!!"
last sleep: 1130-830 this morning
last im: ehh friday
last weird encounter: i saw this girl at broadstreet yesterday that i was best friends with all through elementary school...we hugged and had a "hows the weather" convo
last ice cream eaten: ehh vanilla last week
last time amused: last week when my driver's ed teacher couldnt find the keys to the car. they were in his back pocket
last time wanting to die: whenever my phone bill comes out
last time in love: couple of months ago
last time hugged: this morning...by my little brother
last time scolded: my mom thinks i'm rude
last time resentful: when my mom thinks i'm rude
last chair sat in: this really uncomfortable fancy one that i'm sitting in now
last underwear worn: my favorite undies!! they're from gap and they're soft and they have blue curved lines all over them...wow.
last time dancing: oh gawd...my cousin's wedding
last poster looked at: my snow white one
last show attended: pshh?
last webpage visited: meredith's

vendredi, juillet 18, 2003

anyway, so i'm stuck here all day because i need to finish packing for destin.i'll probably go run or go to the pool or something, but i know i'm not going far. and yesterday i didnt go out of my house very much because i needed to pack then too. i barely noticed that it's friday. i'm going to my dad's this weekend, so i'm glad about that. he's so much more easy going and he'll let me do what i want. when i get in trouble, he listens to me. he listens to me anyway. and he's a lawyer, so when i feel like arguing about something (strangely enough, that happens a lot) i'll just talk to him. and we can always do stuff together, he LOVES movies, we either rent them or go see one.
he's so primitive though. he loves it that way. we only have one tv and vcr. he doesnt have a phone line, but uses his cell phone for everything. no computer. he drives a 1976 jeep waggoneer. it's not that he cant afford it, he just chooses to spend his money on ross's and my education, and for savings.
although there are so many admirable things about him, sometimes i'm scared of him. about 5 years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. it makes him tremble in his hands, arms, legs, jaw, and face sometimes. the disease is both chronic and progressive. he also has bipolar disease. his moods vary constantly, and they can change at the snap of a finger. he can get reallly angry after being so happy, and i have to walk on eggshells constantly. i've gotten used to most of it, but it's still hard sometimes.

i dont know why i just posted all that, but i guess i just felt like i needed to. alright, i'm gone and i wont be back for a week or so cuz i'll be at the beach! hope yall have a great week!!

You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by,and so become yourself because the past is just a good bye. - crosby, stills, nash and young


mercredi, juillet 16, 2003

this is why:

when i saw this lay out, i initially saw the deep orange color, and the big white stripe in it. it looked so functional, it looked so fresh. the deep orange color reminded me of the sunset, and then i thought it looked too rational to be just a regular sunset. it looked like it was in uniform. so the name just popped up "sunset in uniform". No extra meaning AT ALL.

then i started to think about the name. the sunset is so vivid when it's summer. you can just sit there and watch it. it's also the end of a day. it's the end of a HOT day. it's the end of a BRIGHT hot day. that's how summer is. the sunset is hanging on to the last hour of daylight, as the end of JULY and beginning of AUGUST hangs on to the last of summer.

so it's the end of july and it's almost over.

then the whole uniform thing.

in school you have to be in uniform. you have to be functional and summer's not there anymore. at the first of school, you're still kinda hanging on to summer. and then at MY school, this year is the first year to start uniforms. and so it's a whole new meaning.

that's why this site just HAPPENED to signify where i am in my life right now. so weird how things work out haphazardly like that, doncha think?

SOOO WEIRD.

lundi, juillet 14, 2003

matt just called and i'm talking to him so i'm so cheered up. weird how things work out so great. haha i dont know but i'm in such a better mood now.
okay so off the phone and in a serious blog-down-and-dirty mood. i really didnt want to blog at all...but i had something to say. a lot really has been going on around here, i just havent really noticed HOW MUCH until i sat down here and tried to write about it.
yesterday i woke up really late and went to the club with robert and layed out. the sun was on deep fat fry, i'm telling ya.
then we had some dinner party for my aunt's birthday. Loads of fake smiles and a tad bit of useless conversation.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO THIS SUMMER?
dont you just hate that question?
i didnt really do anything but try to go to sleep at a reasonable hour last night. i woke up at 930 when i was supposed to leave and went to drivers ed. wow...that man chewed my ear off....all he does is talk about car wrecks and uses phrases like "her brains were in the back seat and i could stick my whole fist in her skull..." WOW. then i came home and polished my mom's silver because I LOVE IT...it's so elegant and we used it last night so it needed to be polished. finnnalllyyy i went to the club to work out and worked out for a REALLY long time. i saw so many family members there...i couldve had a bloomin' reunion there if i wanted to. i came home adn talked on the computer to people. then ross (my little brother) stayed out till 1030 and i went out looking for him for 45 minutes, and finally found him in a ditch having a mud fight with some realllly rough looking boys. i came back from the mission trip, and he has this whole new vocabulary that you would expect from a construction worker.

anyway, so i was thinking the other day about gossip. i have this friend who likes to talk about the livestyles of people and i love to hear him talk about it. i love talking and thinking about the motives of people's actions and words. i love understading why people do what they do. i love trying to figure it out. you have no clue, i get a rush of excitement thinking about it.
but think i was thinking about gossip and i love talking about people, but i think theres a difference between gossip and just talking about lifestyles of people. i mean, is it bad to generalize? is it bad to just talk about a certain type of people? is that gossip? or is gossip just derogatory talk of how people are?
both are so much fun, but i'm just scared that they are going to be misrepresented, or people are going to misunderstand which is which.

haha anyway...wow sorry about all of the useless analyzing. it's just what i do, i suppose.

Oh but everybody thinks that everybody knows about everybody else. Nobody knows anything about themselves cause their all worried about everybody else. - jack johnson

samedi, juillet 12, 2003

i feel like i've been gone for EVER!!! it's really not that long though. here's the explanation if anyone missed me!

okay the friday after my most recent blog, my computer got crashed because of a virus in one of my shared folders. the devil worships kazaa.

i didnt get my computer back for another week.

life was great without it because i worked out most of the time, got my room super clean and caught up on some great tv shows. usually the computer takes over my day.

somewhere spontaneously in the middle of that computer-free week, i decided to go on a mission trip to smyrna, tennessee with my youth group at church. it was for a week and it was only $75 AND i got service hours!!! so it was wonderful.

i have never had an experience such like that before. not only did i learn how to hang sheet rock, mud and tape, dry wall, put shingles on a roof, lay tile, scrape and paint window panes and doors, and break up concrete clusters off of sidewalks, but i encountered so many needy people. the children i encountered attached themselves to every youth group member. i've never seen so many children in need of just plain love.

i feel like i'm not giving the trip near enough justice by just brushing over main events. the whole thing had so many aspects that are so hard to bring out into the open.

after the absence of this computer, i almost feel like i dont even need it anymore. i see that i have a life. i will definitely be surfing the net less.

i also have a revelation. i found what i dont need anymore. this summer hasnt been the best thing in the world but i feel okay with it. it's been fast but it feels slow.

the beach with hope, lauren and jodie was amazing. girls, i've never had so much fun on a beach trip in my life. that week was stoke-worthy. though we had some boy situations, we all had fun together.
i dont know if i belong in that group. sometimes i feel like a loner. i know i'll always have matt, ryan, evan, brian, and i had a huge bonding experience with the older girls on the youth group mission trip. i have lauren and i am so glad to have her but i feel like some of my close friends are kinda fading, maybe it's just summer. i dont know how to find true ones. maybe i shouldnt try so hard. i know i shouldnt try so hard. but it's about time that when school starts i'm going to stick out my neck a little and build some friendships.

i've noticed that on this blog, i always say what i'm GOING to do. i dont know what to think about that.
i hope everyone's doing okay. sorry for not blogging in forever and ever. paix!
i'm almost ready for school to start. here's a song in spirit of that:

we're going to be friends- white stripes
Fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we're going to be friends
Walk with me, Suzy Lee
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
safely walk to school without a sound
safely walk to school without a sound
Here we are, no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn
we clean up and now its time to learn
Numbers, letters, learn to spell
nouns, and books, and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height against the wall
teacher marks our height against the wall
We don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing
Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tommorow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we're going to be friends




mercredi, juin 18, 2003

somebody help me!! haha all i've been listening to is rap. ALL of it. hahaha...my play list right now is: emotions- twista, oxy cotton- lil wyte, thug holiday- trick daddy, i can tell- 504 boys, get low- lil jon and the eastside boys...
hahaha YEAH I KNOW how retarded that is...or maybe not... rap puts me in a revved up mood.

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS HAS TO DOWNLOAD Mission Impossible by Rehab. WOW.

last night phyfer stn and it was fun. haha we put eachother in really fun moods. and we can be just "blehh" together too...so it's all good.

i watched just married last night too.. HAHA WOW. i love it. so cute, so cute.

i miss lauren already. i'm so scared that she's gonna leave. i have never found a friend that through everything filters through, she'll still be there. she's the one that has always been there regardless. through all the fake friends that we have, we have always stuck and stayed through the storm. i dont have many girl friends anyway, so the few that i have, i cherish. she's been one of the best. she's been the only one that has been consistent and i'm so thankful for that. i'm so scared that she's going to have to move. i love her so much as my friend,and trust her the most, and i dont know what i'm gonna do when i have to dial a 1 and an area code to call her up. she's one of the only girls i understand, and i guess that's why my closest friends are guys. this is a terrible feeling.

so summer has moved pretty quickly, but feels pretty slow.

today a girl straight up told me that somebody announced that i was ugly. i mean i usually never talk or think about appearances of people, or i try not to, but today it stung really hard. maybe it was that she just said it out loud. right to my face without any reservation or any guilt or anything. maybe the sharp and harshness of it just kind of stayed there because i've never heard somebody just outwardly say anything like that to me. and if they did, they would cover it up with an afterward " just kidding!!". maybe it hurt because i was in such a good mood with lauren around and everything, and it just toned everything down. maybe it hurt because it was harsh and maybe had some truth to it and harshness and truth is a tough combination.
oh well.
It was ever so fun.We had no wooden legs, or steel hooks. We had no black eye patches, or a starving cook. We were just killers with the cold eyes of a sailor. -stephen malkmus

lundi, juin 16, 2003

i went swimming today. i was the only one there.

there's something about swimming by yourself that makes you notice so many things that you dont even think about when it's crowded.

i noticed the bottom of the pool and how it's tie-dyed with the creases of light shining through the water. i noticed how when i swam a bit, the water was like silk in a liquid form. it filled all the curves in my body, and moved with my movements. and when i moved, it wrinkled like silk. i liked the way my hair loosened up and turned soft and brightly colored as it waved around in the water. it was a big change from the wet ugly dark brown when it was out of the water.

i want to go run right now but it's really hot and humid. i also want to take a shower and shave my legs and get all clean and fresh so i wouldnt want to run after that, but i still dont know.

i found this trail (that's not really that hard to find, it's kind of an abandoned tourist thing) and it's the most fun in the world to run on. i explore and explore and i barely even notice that i'm running. it doesnt hurt anymore. but since it's so terribly terrible outside, i'm sure that i would notice how hard it is to breathe. oh well i wont take a shower, and i'll just wait until the sun goes down a bit.

I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time. Are you at one, Or do you lie? We live in a wheel where everyone steals.But when we rise it's like strawberry fields. - bush

samedi, juin 14, 2003

okay. BLINDED by thirdeyeblind is wow.

it's just great music bundled up and tied up with a string. and then somebody unties the string and all the good stuff bursts out and falls in every which direction in a flying oblivian when he says "but when i see you!!". AHHH it's just wonderful!!!mmm.

i love music like that. it just makes me wanna wiggle, or strut my stuff down the street to get everyone's attention and then strip down to my underwear and dance like an animal to make everyone just stop and call the insane asylum. but it'd make them smile, wouldnt it?

i just realized something that i've never taken the time to notice before. when boys are growing up, they learn how to do stuff by stories that their dads or brothers or friends or uncles, etc. tell them. girls learn all the stuff they need to know by observing. we learn how to live (socially at least) by what we see our moms, sisters, aunts, etc. do. my uncle came over and stayed for a week with us. i heard lots and lots of great stories. i just took them for stories, but ross (my little monst-- i mean, brother) took it for something else. when my uncle left, ross took another attitude with things, and i guess he learned something from the stories maybe?

In wild dedication, take the moment of hope and let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now to each other cause when I see you, it's like I'm starring down the sun and I'm blinded. - third eye blind