it is very difficult for me to stand my ground while not loosing control about things. it's hard to be a christian when i'm upset at somebody because they betrayed/hurt me. it's hard for me to hold it in. it's hard for me to be that dark cloud that doesnt rain all over people. it's so relieving to rain all over a person, and get it all out, but all i feel after i've let out the storm is EMPTY. i know i should confront and then forgive, but i dont want to make a big deal out of this even though it is a big deal. i know it's terrible to read something that somebody has written on a blog and wonder what in the world they are talking about. sorry, but i dont want anyone to know what i'm talking about. i feel betrayed. i've felt betrayed for a while but it cooled down until tonight when i actually had to face this person and make small talk. i hate small talk anyway. it's never going to mean anything to my life. i know that it creates conversation but it's such a terrible cross to bear. puts a lot of flighty smiles and pressure on a person.
i have noticed that my self-discipline has improved a whole lot. i've been worried about it for the past year now, and i feel like i'm maturing. i feel like i can be that dark cloud and hold the rain in for a lot longer than i could have. i can keep gossip out of my life. i know that it's so much fun to talk about people, but i think that i can avoid gossip. i think that i can avoid getting in fights with people. better yet, i think i've learned some-what how to pick my battles. that's probably the hardest and most important things that i've tried so hard to overcome.
i have very liberal opinions about things and issues . and since i'm outnumbered by conservative people in the south, if i want get my liberal point across, i have to be bold about it. i got too bold. i didnt pick my battles. i blurted out what i thought about everything. and i learned later that by blurting my opinion about controversial issues, just made them even bigger than they ever were.
maybe i'm liberal because i believe more in christian values than i do in politics in general. i love america, but i would hesitate to die for it. i would never kill a man if i was in war. i would die for God any day. even if i wasnt a Christian, the morals and ethics of a near TRUE Christian are unstoppable. i dont think that it is possible to be a fully true Christian. everyone was born a sinner. all one can do is ask to be forgiven, and to learn how to radically love one another.