i am ready for some of those new beginnings. i'm sick of living this way. i live in doubt. i am almost anti-social, that i scare people when i reach out to them. i'm not an anti-social kind of person. im not built that way. i guess that's why i'm so ready for school to start. i need some GIRL friends. hehe i like to hang out with guys so much because they are so much easier to hang around, but sometimes you just need the comradity of girl friends. i kinda feel dejected this weekend. i had a lot of fun though, i was at my dad's house and he lives in the city so it's so much easier to do stuff with people then. my mom doesnt like my madison friends, so i rarely ever hang out with them. here, i'll list my good guy friends and good girl friends:
guys
matt
robert
graeme
brian
atlanta
ryan
evan

girls
lauren
chloe
karolle
ashley
hope

and of course i have some non-close friends that i just hang out with on occasion or i just talk to every now and then, but it's not the same as just a true friendship, and i value that a lot more now. i have also found that boys are much more trustworthy in the past, when rumors took my girl friendships away, guys were always there to be a friend because they dont usually deal with stuff like that. either you're friends with them, or you're just not, and i like that simplicity. i guess i cant always have it the easy way, because i know that there's a secret code with girls that only we can understand, and it comes to a point where you realize that there's a secret code for guys too, and you cant break either side's barrier. you can only go to a certain level with the opposite sex where it's just a friendship. i miss doing girly stuff sometimes.
i just know that i'm ready for those new beginnings. this is the year for those, and i'm ready to build friendships if they glide onto me, but i'm ready to not force anything also.

i've felt kinda weird this weekend. i went to lunch with my cousin today, and things seemed distant and detached, and it's never been that way with her before. conversation usually flows. she seemed rushed and out of focus and i guess that's what she was, or maybe she's just grown up out of the conversation that we used to have. maybe it's just been too long since we've had that kind of conversation. it was a big downer though. i guess i was in a weird frame of mind too.

i used to have a problem with giving people the shaft. the worst thing in the world you can do to a person. say you can do somethin with them, and then at the last minute call em up and tell them that you cant. or promise that you can do something when all along you know that you cant. i've stopped doing that because it gets me nowhere in life, and it gets me nowhere in friendships. luckily, it's only happened with my guy friends and they've been generous enough to forgive me. they understand when i really am sorry. doing things like that can only make me an unreliable person, and i dont want to be unreliable. i want to be in the middle ground between structured and spontaneous, and i want to find that middle ground.

i know that it sounds like i am thinking way to much about things. maybe i am reading way into things, but it's been in my mind for the whole summer, and i'm lost with interaciton with some friendships. i know that i will find some more, and i'm happy that i have that hope. and i'm happy with the friends that i have.
hehe so thanks for taking the time to read this.