i know how to manage my time. i just have to relearn actually managing it.

today was unbelievably stressful. i don't think i realized that until the crosscountry meet. i had a weekend to prepare myself for the race, study, write an english paper and write a history paper. i wasn't prepared for the race, i didn't ice my leg this whole weekend. i wrote both papers today AT school during study hall, break and lunch. i procrastinated SO badly, and i'm shameless.

i think i LIKE to have pressure on me. for some reason it's fun to race to get papers finished. i like being stressed because i feel like worrying might actually help, and because i'm in a time crunch i get things done, therefore the worrying might have helped. i didn't like racing today though. i just have no incentive anymore. yeah, i crave the feeling after i finish. i love going out to eat afterward. i love the atmosphere of the meets. i love the people. i love the muscles. the slightly toned but slender ones. the quiet and swift ones, just like runners. for some reason inbetween the actual meets and looking at stats of GOOD runners i realized that i might not classify as a "real" runner. i admire from the sidelines and sometime jog in place compared to the other runners. but even with the discouragement i STILL run. that's why i like running. even when it takes everything away from you, it leaves a bit of mental comfort that sticks to you. that's why there are so many runners who stop and then come back and run again. it's coming home.

i'm kinda glad that cc season is almost over. maybe i'll stop thinking about the elements of running. i think it's overworking my brain. it shouldnt be this complex.

Now let the music keep our spirits high
And let the buildings keep our children dry
Let creation reveal it’s secrets by and by
By and by--
When the light that’s lost within us reaches the sky - jackson browne