ya know i pride myself on being humble? having a humble persona. now think about that statement. PRIDE myself on being HUMBLE. oxymoron at its best. the epitomy of oxymorons.

so i'm abandoning the statement.

that's a shocker.

christians are supposed to be humble, but not insecure, and i think that when i look at myself in the mirror and i have make up in front of me and i dont wear it, it's not because i am confident with my looks, it's because i want to be humble. i want people to know that i am not just an image, i'm deeper than that. but at the same time i am insecure.

i am beautiful. i took a candle bubble bath today and i felt beautiful. i got out of the bath and into the cool air with my window open, and i felt beautiful. i played my crappy guitar for a while and i knew that it was beautiful. it is time for me to keep on recognizing that. for me to take care of myself. not neglect my outer appearance. not to take on a humble persona, when even taking on a persona is NOT humble.

so i stayed home from school today because i felt terrible. sick. i couldnt sleep last night, so i slept today and felt just amazing when i woke up. matt brought me coffee and i felt loved, ann robin called to make sure i was okay, and i felt wanted. there are so many areas of confidence, and i am so blessed with the beauties that i have. the unattractiveness and awkwardness just withers away. i cant ignore that anymore.

it's so ironic that today i stayed home because it was awful, and now i feel just amazing.

when i have bad days or bad feelings, i just think that "this feeling will pass too"...and i dont want this feeling to pass. but it will. but i'm happy to have it.

i may seem pompous by this whole post, but that's the reason i'm not reading it over. i'm not going to say that i dont care what people think about this post. the whole reason people even say that they dont care about what people think of them is because they DO CARE what people think of them. hah yeah think about that one.

but genuinely, this post IS for me. this blog is for me. and i feel guilty saying that because i do judge other blogs and i do think about what people should or should not post (sorry meredith). but everyone on the other hand has the same right to post whatever they want and has the right to pass judgement on whatever they want, so i'm just gonna say screw it, and just write. that's all i'm here to do.
i'm back in the game baby!


I'm spinning around the room in awe. I'm spinning around the room. I'm floating through a room of halls. Partytime. Stops breathing like a china doll. And broken eyes. - ryan adams