so it's over. the sixteen milestone. feels pretty old. (for lack of poetic description). parents were good to me. good lord, everyone was good to me. easter birthday. the kind of thing i've always wanted. always loved those coincidences. just thinking about me as a child, i know i would have loved it even more, going to st. andrew's church on easter and telling everyone it's my birthday. i would be special. i miss who i was. i miss me. i'm crying. i hate years so much. and now i have 16 of them! and they dont stop. i miss the attention. i miss the playfulness, and being able to be playful. i miss the youth and the tons and tons and gobs and gobs of years ahead of me that i never worried about, just wanted to be older. makeup. i remember how important that was to me. geez. ross. i remember our games and climbing trees and reading books together. racing bikes. playing war. racing in our toy jeeps. playing school. climbing on the old waggoneer. playing with cats. it's all gone. all of it. ross is such a twirp to me now and i cant do anything about it. oh God, bring it all back. bring back the classic moments and put them into now.
went to a movie with my dad. pure fun. didnt think sentimentally at all the entire time. now i am. i have such a good time with him. tons of "i love yous" with my mom. tons of her calling to check up on me. hugs. good jokes with my stepdad. good greetings and conversation with my grandfather. ross picked out a cute running outfit for my birthday. not so twirpish, i know. my uncle that never gives me gifts on my birthday slipped me a 20 at church today. my grandmother told me merry christmas. but i know what she meant. my other grandmother told me how smart i was and said that i was relaly going to be something.

so many positives.
why negativity?

it's just bittersweetness. that's all. it always has been. looking back on anything always is so bittersweet.
gosh. it hurts so bad. so bad. this will pass too.

those sleeping hearts will never understand
you can't hear the song until you dance -ben lee